Copyright 2000 by Ed Howdershelt
"A book, a friend, a song, a glass, a chaste loving lass"
"A lie is terminological inexactitude." Churchill
"A man's a man for a' that!" Burns
"A newspaper is a collection of half-injustices"
"A pound of pluck is worth a ton of luck." Garfield
"A Robin redbreast in a cage puts all heaven in a rage."
"All clowns are masked, all personae flow from choices"
"All humans things are subject to decay."
"And God said, Let there be light: and there was light."
"And when fate summons monarchs must obey;"
"Beam me aboard, Scotty." "Sure. Will a 2x10 do?"
"But once you are real, you can't become unreal again."
"But, if ye wish her gratefu' prayer, Gie her a haggis!"
"Don't worry, I'm fluent in weirdo"
"Earth was not earth before her sons appeared."
"Every why hath a wherefore."
"Every woman should marry -- and no man." Disraeli
"Everyone lives by selling something." - R.L. Stevenson
"Everything's got a moral if only you can find it."
"Forgotten men at the bottom of the economic pyramid" FDR
"Fountains mingle with the river, rivers with the ocean."
"Frankly my dear, I don't give a download!" -Rhett Sysop
"God said, "Let Newton be!" and all was light." Pope
"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned." Congreve
"Help! I've fallen and can't get up." A. Tree
"How wise are they that are but fools in love!" Cooke
"I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul."
"I'm so bored, I'm starting to miss my husband."
"Let's win this one and go home." - George A. Custer
"Life has a great deal up its sleeve."
"Logic is logic. That's all I say." Holmes
"Look at all the Indians!" - General Custer
"Love -- a grave mental disease." Plato
"Man is a piece of the universe made alive." Emerson
"Man's the bad child of the universe." Oppenheim
"Man, born of woman is of few days; full of trouble." Job
"May you live all the days of your life." Swift
"Maytag" is my middle name; I'm an agitator.
"Men die and worms eat them - but not for love" Shake
"Men know life too early, women too late" Wilde
"Men, in general, are but great great children" Napoleon
"Modesty died when false modesty was born." Mark Twain
"No, I didn't." - Teddy Kennedy
"Oh captain! my captain! our fearful trip is done." WW
"Oh could I fly, I'd fly with thee ..."
"Old soldiers never die, they just fade away.."
"Our first and last love is -- self-love." Bovee
"Said the fly, "Let us flee." Said the flea "Let us fly."
"Shake off your heavy trance! And leap into a dance."
"The first sigh of love is the last of wisdom." Bret
"The law hath not been dead, though it hath slept." Shake
"The only victory over love is flight." Napoleon
"The welfare of the people is the chief law." Cicero
"They also serve who only stand and wait."
"To live long, it is necessary to live slowly." Cicero
"To love her was a liberal education." Steele
"Too much of a good thing is wonderful."
"We must laugh at man, to avoid crying for him" Napoleon
"What is a lie but the truth in masquerade." Byron
"With our judgements as our watches, none go just alike."
"Woman must be a genius to create a good husband." Balzac
"Women and elephants never forget." Parker
"You spotted snakes with double tongue... be not seen."
*NOW* is a point in time that is already gone.
... a deluge of words and drop of sense.
43% of all statistics are totally worthless !!!
5¬" floppy is not better than 3«" hard.
<<< Tagline censored by Natl Endowment for the Arts >>>
A bachelor enjoys the chase but doesn't eat the game.
A beard signifies lice, not brains.
A belly button is for salt when you eat celery in bed.
A big enough hammer fixes anything
A bigot will not reason, a fool cannot, a slave dare not.
A bird in the bush can't make a mess in your hand.
A bird in the hand's better than one overhead.
A book is the only immortality.
A child prodigy knows not to bother with it.
A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking.
A crappie is not a sunfish found in a toilet.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A farmer is always going to be rich next year.
A father is usually a banker provided by nature.
A fool searches for a greater fool to find admiration.
A gentleman can disagree without being disagreeable.
A good dog barks when told.
A good memory is one trained to forget the trivial.
A good rooster crows in any hen house.
A good scare is better than good advice.
A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit.
A great many family trees were started by grafting.
A gun gives you the body, not the bird.
A hangover the wrath of grapes
A hen is an egg's way of making another egg.
A hen tomorrow is more valuable than an egg today.
A hen who lays an egg cackles as if it was an asteroid.
A hole is nothing, but you can break your neck in it.
A jerk present in a group indicates a jerk in charge.
A jug is carried under your coat for a dishonest reason.
A KGB keyboard has no key!
A lawyer's opinion is worth nothing unless paid for.
A leap year is never a good sheep year.
A learned fool is more foolish than an ignorant fool.
A liar isn't believed even when he speaks the truth.
A little truth helps the lie go down.
A living example of Artificial Intelligence.
A male rite of passage: Writing your name in the snow.
A miser is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.
A mother is not a dust rag.
A noisy exhaust to some almost amounts to a mating call.
A nose in artificial manure is not studying nature.
A ounce of pretension = a pound of manure!
A pain in the butt may be a friend in need.
A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out.
A person in a passion rides a mad horse.
A person is a lion in his own cause.
A person never tells you anything until contradicted.
A person slow to anger is better than the mighty.
A person without a navel lives within all of us.
A pest: A friend in need.
A pitcher that goes to a well too often is broken first.
A red nose can be the result of sunshine or moonshine.
A sleeping fox counts hens in his dreams.
A statesman shears the sheep; the politician skins them.
A teetotaller makes the worst drunkard.
A thick head can do as much damage as a hard heart.
A thief believes that everybody steals.
A thing of beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
A true diplomat struts sitting down.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a moose.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its written on
A vote on the tally sheet is worth two in the box.
A well-written life is as rare as a well-spent one.
A wise person sees as much as ought, not as much can.
A word fitly spoken is like a beautiful apple of gold.
A worthless wise man always charms the rabble.
A yawn is a silent shout.
Abandon all hope, ye who press ÄÄÙ here
Acting without thinking is like shooting without aiming.
Actions are neither as good nor as evil as impulses.
Actions are usually right, but the reasons seldom are.
Actions from sanity are not necessarily from feeling.
Actions speak louder than words -- but not so often.
Adam ate the apple, and our teeth still ache.
Adam's Rib: The original bone of contention.
Admiration: Polite recognition of self-reflection.
Adult: One old enough to know better.
Adventure is the champagne of life.
Adversity makes people wise but not rich.
Against stupidity, the Gods themselves, contend in vain !
All for one; one for all; ME above all!
All hope abandon, ye who enter messages here.
All reality is aspect dependent.
All rivers run into the sea, yet the sea is not full.
All sentences that seem true should be questioned.
All things change, nothing is extinguished.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
All words are pegs on which to hang ideas.
All your future lies beneath your hat.
Always do right: Gratify some and astonish the rest.
Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
Ambition destroys its possessor.
America is a dream to most of the world.
America is a tune. It must be sung together.
America is the only country founded on a good idea.
America was not discovered by Americans, shame on them.
An accommodating vice is better than an obstinate virtue.
An actor without buck teeth can play the Easter Bunny.
An agreeable person: One who agrees with you.
An appeaser feeds a crocodile, hoping to be eaten last.
An ass thinks one thing, his rider another.
An atheist has no invisible means of support.
An elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
An inch of dog is better than a mile of pedigree.
An optimist is a guy without much experience...
Ancient custom has the force of law.
And God said: E = «mvý - Zeý/r ...and there *WAS* light!
Angels can fly since they take themselves lightly.
Angling: The name given to fishing by non-fishermen.
Any certainty is a delusion.
Any fool can tell the truth, it takes sense to lie well.
Anybody can win, unless there is a second entry.
Apology is only egotism wrong side out.
Applied emotion is the key to success with happiness.
Architecture is the art of how to waste space.
Are we supposed to be having fun yet?
Are you waiting for your prey?
Army food: The spoils of war.
Art does not reproduce the visible; it makes visible.
Art for art's sake is a philosophy of the well-fed.
Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth.
Art is either plagiarism or revolution.
Art is I; Science is We.
Art is vision not expression.
As for me, all I know is that I know nothing.
As I was going up the stair, I met a man who wasn't there
As lacking in privacy as a goldfish.
As long as I live, I shall be, myself, no other, just me.
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.
Assumption #1: Dan Quayle is smarter than broccoli.
At 19, everything is possible; tomorrow looks friendly.
At all ages you are certain you still have another year.
ATTENTION ..............Elvis has left the echo.
Autobiography: Unrivalled telling truth about others.
Bachelor: Plays the field until the field comes in.
Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch!
Backup not found: (P) Panic (Any Other Key) Panic.
Bad officials: elected by good citizens who fail to vote.
Bastard toadflax: not the result nearsighted horny toads.
Be nice on your way up, you'll meet on the way down.
Be suspicious of all native-born Esperanto speakers.
Beauty faded has no second spring.
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
Before advising "Be yourself!" reassess his character.
Behind every successful man stands a surprised MIL.
Being able to say NO is the root to reclaiming your life.
Better to marry a man who loves you than one you love.
Better to understand little than misunderstand a lot.
Beware of the opinion of someone without any facts.
Beware of true believers you may be duped by a false god.
Beware when God lets loose a thinker on this planet.
Beware! I'm armed and have suffered from PMS all my life.
Bigamist: One who makes the same mistake twice.
Biography should be written by an acute enemy.
Biography: One of the terrors of death.
Birds are trapped by their feet, people by their tongues.
Blessed are the meek, for they make great scapegoats.
Blessed our young they will inherit our national debt.
Blessings never come in pairs; misfortunes never alone.
Blond Mating Call: Oh, I'm so drunk [giggle]!!
Blood is thicker than water, and much more tastier.
Boot & ye shall see. Replace & all will be made clear.
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Born crying, live complaining, die disappointed.
Both of his feet are firmly planted in the air.
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
Bubble, Bubble..Am I too late to jump the ship ??
Bureaucracy: That place always in need of a laxative.
Buy a 486-33 you can reboot faster..
By trying we can learn to endure another's adversity.
C'est la vie.
Camels have wet dreams too.
Carelessness does more harm than a want of knowledge.
Cats are like furry dilettanti, or the reverse?
Cats, proof that eating and sleeping isn't all bad.
Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Celery farmers play the stalk market.
Celery raw develops a jaw. But stewed, is quietly chewed
Chance makes our parents, but choice makes our friends.
Character is much easier kept than recovered.
Charity begins at home, and mostly ends where it begins.
Childish Game: One at which your spouse beats you.
Children have more need of models than of critics.
Choose heaven for climate, hell for society.
Cities, like cats, will reveal themselves at night.
Civilization is a movement, it is a voyage not a harbor.
Civilized people need love for full sexual satisfaction.
Cleanliness is next to "clean-limbed," in the dictionary.
Clever father, clever daughter; clever mother, clever son
Closed eyes are not always sleeping.
Collector: Person few care to see but ask to call again.
College: Guarantee the quality of the product or return.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Common sense isn't.
Communication.. without it, everyone's a mushroom.
Computers also eliminate spare time.
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
Computers don't make mistakes, but foolish people do.
Confirmation of the past is often the greatest surprise.
Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
Contraceptives: to be used on all conceivable occasions.
Corruption. The most infallible symptom of liberty.
Cow's breath attracts mosquitoes and tsetse flies!
Creditor: A man who has a longer memory than a debtor.
Criminal: One who gets caught.
Custom is the law of fools.
Cynicism is intellectual dandyism.
Dachshund: Half a dog high by a dog and a half long.
Dan Quayle thinks that Cheerios are donut seeds.
Dan Quayle: the EDLIN of Vice-Presidents.
Dancing with a grass widow brings on hay fever.
DANGER DANGER Computer store ahead...hide wallet.
DANGER! Human at keyboard!
Detour: The roughest distance between two points.
Dew is the tears which the stars weep.
Difficult? I wish it had been impossible!
Dime de lo que blasonas, y te dire de lo quwe careces.
Dios tarda pero no olvida.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
Diplomacy: The patriotic lying for one's country.
Disease is the retribution of an outraged nature.
Do I even WANT ancestors? Some found I wish I could lose.
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
Do well and you will have no need for ancestors.
Do well, you hear it never. Do ill, hear it forever.
Do you like me for my brain, or my BAUD?
Doctrine is the skin of truth set up and stuffed.
Does it really matter which cola I drink?
Dogmatism: Puppyism come to its full growth.
Dollars cannot buy yesterday.
Don't be a snob. Never lie when truth is more profitable.
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.
Don't knock President Fillmore; he kept us out of VietNam
Don't shoot! I'm only the Casio player!
Don't steal.....Politicians hate competition.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Doubt is the root of education, not faith.
Drama in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater.
Drink! for you know not whence you came, nor why...
Drink! for you know not why you go, nor where...
Dulce bellum inexpertis.
Each day a day goes by.
Earth: A solid substance, much desired by the seasick.
Easy as pie, no fuss, no muss, no crust....
Echo: Only thing that cheats some out of the last word.
Education which is not modern, faces the organic fate.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
En boca cerrada no entran moscas.
Endocannibalism: The result of a really hungry cannibal.
Engraving is, in brief terms, the art of scratch.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Envy is thin because it bites but never eats.
Epitaph on a gravestone: Cheerio, see you soon.
Error reading FAT Table...Try Skinny one ? (Y/N)
Ethics is not necessarily the handmaiden of theology.
Even a noseless dog can stink.
Even a philosopher gets upset with a toothache.
Even the blind can see money.
Even the lion has to protect himself against flies.
Ever wonder why Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo?
Every child should be given the desire to learn.
Every crowd has a silver lining.
Every hard-boiled egg is yellow inside.
Every person constructs their own bed of nails.
Every person gets to heaven in their own way.
Every person is the architect of their own fortune.
Every politician has a price, some hold bargain sales.
Every valuable idea offends someone.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Everyone as they loveth, some people kiss cows.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone meets their Waterloo at last.
Everything changes except change itself.
Evil is a hill. We stand on ours, speak about others.
Excess is never enough.
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgmmng
Facts are stubborn things.
Faint hearts never win in love nor sell life insurance.
Fame: Chiefly a matter of dying at the right moment.
Fat heads, lean brains.
Fear not, for I have given you authority
Feather by feather the goose is plucked.
Few of us can stand prosperity -- someone else's.
Fiction: It can't hold a scandal to biography.
Fiddle: Friction of a horse's tail on a cat's entrails.
Firmness in politics is called obstinacy in a donkey.
Fishing is a delusion surrounded by liars in old clothes.
Flattery is counterfeit money, circulated by vanity.
Flattery: Cologne water, to smell but not swallow.
Freedom is a hard-bought thing - A gift no man can give.
Friend: Anyone who has the same enemies you have.
Friendships are not always preserved in alcohol.
From listening comes wisdom, from speaking, repentance.
Genealogy. Tracing descent from someone who didn't.
Genealogy: tracing us back to the same brother and sister
Genius: One who can do anything except earn a living.
Getting a second chance is never a certainty.
Gnaw the bone which has fallen to thy lot.
God dislikes money -- look who he gives it to.
God gave burdens shoulders also.
God gives the nuts, but He does not crack them.
God heals, but always someone else wants a fee.
God made the first garden, Cain the first city.
Golfer: A person who hits and tells.
Good luck is a lazy man's estimate of a worker's success.
Good printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
Good taste is the flower of good sense.
Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.
Graveyards are full of the indispensable.
Greed is good, greed works.
Happiness is no laughing matter.
Happy couple: A deaf husband and a blind wife.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Hasten to laugh at everything lest you be obliged to weep
He bellows like a cow standing on her tit.
He has too many lice to feel an itch.
He is a self-made man, and worships his creator.
He is a sheep in sheep's clothing.
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
He is not only dull within, but causes dullness without.
He is the most sensible looking man talking nonsense.
He says a thousand pleasant things, but never "Adieu."
He who falls in love with himself will have no rivals.
He who talks too much commits a sin.
Hello, I am part number ³ºÞº³º³Û³ºÝ³ºÝ³³.
HELP! Protect America's children, soil, and water today.
Here I run, to steal the secret of the sun.
Here today, dawn tomorrow.
Hero-worship: Idol gossip.
Hi. My name is Rover, I'll paint your car yellow free.
Hick: Looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
His face was filled with broken commandments.
History repeats itself because nobody listens
Hmmm, When is the last time the Tooth Fairy visited you?
Hobo: A person who builds palaces and lives in shacks.
Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom.
Hollywood: A trip through a sewer in a glass bottom boat.
Homo sum; humani nihil a me alienum puto.
Honest Politician: One who stays bought.
Honesty pays, but not enough for some.
Honesty: Fear of being caught.
Honey in the mouth and knives in the heart.
Hospitals: Places where the run down wind up.
Hot air sometimes thaws out a cold reception.
Hotel: A place you give good dollars for bad quarters.
How dieth the wise man? As the fool.
How do I set my Laser Printer to "Stun"?
How many times do you need to be tolled anyway?
How much memory have you got? One brain, one memory.
How time flies, when you are in a heap of problems..
Hug: A roundabout way of expressing affection.
Human Being: An ingenious assembly of portable plumbing.
Hypocrisy is the type of homage vice pays to virtue.
I am not a dictator. It's just I have a grumpy face.
I am not arguing with you, I'm telling you.
I be nibble, you be quick, he jumped over the Joystick.
I can resist everything/anything except temptation.
I can't be overdrawn, I still have checks!
I can't be stupid, I completed third grade!
I do not pretend to know what the ignorant are sure of.
I don't want it now, I want it RIGHT now!
I finally got it all together, but forgot where I put it
I had a dislocated funny bone, but it's better now
I have seen the future and it is now the past.
I haven't lost my mind..It must be backed-up somewhere.
I just steal 'em, I don't explain 'em.
I may be stupid, but that still makes me smarter than you
I may have my faults, but being wrong ain't one of them.
I may not be perfect, but I am all I got!
I never rise above the noise and confusion...
I only wrote the thing, I don't have to understand it!
I sighed as a lover, I obeyed as a child.
I think ... therefore I am overqualified.
I think that I'm the friendliest guy in my zipcode.
I use windows...on my car, on my house, but not on my...
I used to read books. Now I read .qwk files.
I want to live with a synonym girl...
I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body.
I would have suffered a lot more if understood.
I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous
I'd like to live like a poor person with lots of money.
I'm a hero with coward's legs.
I'm as innocent as a new-laid egg.
I'm in shape ... round's a shape isn't it?
I'm incredibly jealous, but still glad for you.
I'm more humble than you are!
I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid you're just a mirage.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If at first you don't succeed: Blame everyone else.
If at first you doubt, doubt again.
If God lived on earth, people would break his windows.
If I die, I forgive you, if I recover, we shall see.
If I save the whales, where do I keep them?
If I were here more often, I wouldn't be gone so much.
If I were you, who'd be me?
If it ain't borken, don't fix it.
If it isn't true, at least it is a happy invention.
If it's not worth doing, it's not worth doing well.
If one cannot catch a bird of paradise, grab a wet hen.
If people listened to themselves, they would shut up.
If the family skeleton must remain, make it dance.
If this is a battle, then you have already lost.
If three people say you are an ass, put on a bridle.
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
If worst comes to worst, you *CAN* turn most things off.
If you can't bite, don't show your teeth.
If you can't make it work, make a statistic of it.
If you don't care where you are, then you can't get lost.
If you don't eat garlic, they'll never smell it on you.
If you don't fall down, you're not trying!
If you find it, it is always in the last place you look.
If you throw mud, you will have dirty hands.
If you try to be too sharp, you will cut yourself.
If you want my advice, pay me!
if you want someone to keep a secret, keep it yourself.
If you want to hide your face, walk naked.
If you're too old to learn, you were born so.
If youth only had a chance or old age any brains.
Ignorance is temporary; stupid is forever.
Illustrate your Sermons! Wear "far side" ties.
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
In this world a man must either be anvil or hammer.
Incorrigible punster -- do not incorrige!
Indiscriminate study bloats the mind.
Instinct is intelligence incapable of self-consciousness.
Iron sharpens iron; scholar, the scholar.
Irony: Giving a father a billfold for Christmas.
Is it OK to yell 'MOVIE' in a crowded firehouse?
Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork?
Is wetter REALLY better?
Isn't there a statute of limitations on stupidity?
It is a sin peculiar to people to hate their victims.
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
It is better to know nothing than to know what ain't so.
It is better to know useless things than to know nothing.
It is dangerous to confuse children with angels.
It is double pleasure to deceive the deceiver.
It is easier to admire hard work if you don't do it.
It is easier to catch flies with honey than with vinegar.
It is easy to propose impossible remedies.
It is hard to believe that even his friends like him.
It is hereditary in my family to have no children.
It is meaningless to speak of domesticating a child.
It is when you take for yourself that you truly take.
It runs in the blood like wooden legs.
It takes two to make a bargain.
It was so cold, I almost got married.
It works better if you plug it in *AND THEN* turn it on.
It works better if you plug it in where it should be.
It's a poor cook who cannot lick his own fingers.
It's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards.
It's a tragedy that no man become like their mothers.
It's better the world wonder why you *AREN'T* President.
It's easier to curse the candle than light the darkness.
It's hard to believe it, but some teens are humans.
It's love, it's love that makes the world go round.
It's nobody's business, not even mine.
It's not over until the FAT table sings
It's okay to call someone stupid; just don't prove it.
It's only a hobby ... only a hobby ... only a.
It's what inside you, not the outside that counts.
Ivo Andric - Yugoslavia's First Nobel Laureate.
Judge not a carpenter on how fast chips fly.
Judicial reform is no sport for the short-winded.
Jury: A group chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.
Just got a new car for my wife... Great trade...
Just My Opinion (But I'm Right!)
JUST ROOTIN' AROUND.
Keyboard not connected, to continue.
Kibitzer: A person with an interferiority complex.
Knowledge rests not on truth alone, but upon error also.
Laundry: A place where clothes are mangled.
Lean books are often larded with the fat of others' works
Learning makes people fit company for themselves.
Learning without thought is labor lost.
Legal Marijuana needs true glaucoma patients.
Leisure is the mother of philosophy.
Let art alone. She's got enough guys sleeping with her.
Let no good deed go unpunished.
Let's have a little fun, let's do a pun.
Let's see your tagline hunting permit, sir.
Life is a tragedy for feelers and a comedy for thinkers.
Life is an onion and one peels it crying.
Life is lived forwards, but understood backwards.
Life is not a spectacle or a feast, it is a predicament.
Little boats should keep near the shore.
Live so that the family parrot can live afterwards.
Living on earth is better than loafing around Hades.
Living: The best demonstration of victory over mortality.
Look out for barking dogs that bite.
Love thy neighbor, but keep the hedge in tact.
Love truth but pardon error.
Love your enemies -- it makes them so damned mad.
Lunatic asylum: where optimism most flourishes.
Luxury: Costs $7.69 to make and $20.00 to market.
MacIntosh: Computer with training wheels you can't remove.
Madam, an error, we did a hysterectomy on your husband
Make two grins grow where there was only a grouch before.
Malice is merely stupidity raised to a higher power.
Man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Man loves little and often, woman much and rarely.
Man's inhumanity to man makes countless thousands mourn.
Man: There is nothing more miserable and more arrogant.
Manuals out, after all possible keystrokes have failed.
Many foxes grow gray, but few grow good.
Many kiss the hand that they wish cut off.
Many possess the wisdom of many and only the wit of one.
Many receive advice, only the wise profit by it.
Many would be cowards if they had courage enough.
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
Marriage, a romance but the hero dies in the 1st chapter.
Marriages are based on believing you won the arguments.
May we kiss those we please, and please those we kiss.
Maybe it's right to be nervous now...
Meetings are indispensable for not doing anything.
Memoirs are the backstairs of history.
Memories keep the wolf of insignificance from the door.
Middle age: When your broad mind and narrow waist exchange attributes.
Middle age: When your age starts to show at your middle.
Minds, like parachutes, work only when open.
Mischief all comes from too much opening of the mouth.
Misery brings strange bedfellows.
Misfortunes always enter a door left open for them.
Misteaching: Telling one's grandmother how to suck eggs.
Mister! Here's your mule!
Mistrust first impulses, they are always good.
Modem.... A deterrent to phone solicitors.
Modesty is good bait when fishing for praise.
Money can't buy happiness, but allows a choice of misery.
Money is round, it rolls away.
Money is the sinews of both love and war.
Money: A mint makes it first and we try to make it last.
Monologue: A conversation between realtor and prospect.
Monotheism is a gift from the gods!
Morality is a private and costly luxury.
Mosquito: Designed by God to make flies seem better.
Most allies must be watched just like the enemy.
Mountains culminate in peaks, and nations in people.
Movement To Ban Silly Tag Lines; Send Donations to:
Mr. Bullfrog says: Time is fun when you're having flies.
My Hard Disk went on a diet and lost it's FAT
My mind ain't so open that anything can crawl right in.
My reality check just bounced.
Nature, like people sometimes weeps for gladness.
Network management is like trying to herd cats...
Never agree with me, it shakes my self confidence.
Never lean forward to push an invisible object.
Never trust a skinny cook.
Never trust anyone who speaks well of everyone.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Nickel: Once good for getting the wrong number with.
No answer is also an answer.
No decorations necessary.
No generalization is wholly true, not even this one.
No matter where you go, there you are.
No medicine can cure a vulgar person.
No one can think clearly with clenched fists.
No one does as much harm as one going about doing good.
No one test the depth of a river with both feet.
No person ever became wicked all at once.
No person should govern another without their permission.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
No wanna work. Wanna bang on keyboard.
No wonder can last more than three days.
Noble deeds that are concealed are most esteemed.
Nobody can be just like me. Even I have trouble.
Nobody can be like me. Even I have trouble doing so.
Nobody notices when things go right, and I'm noticed.
Nobody shoots at Santa Claus.
Non-fiction often is more unrealistic than fiction.
None but a mule denies his family.
Not a real tagline, but an incredible soy substitute.
Not everything more difficult is more meritorious.
Not now ... I have to go mow the laundry.
Not to know is bad, but not to wish to know is worse.
Nothing is ever constant, unless it is dead.
Nothing is so smiple that it can't get screwed up.
Notice: All incoming fire has the right of way.
Obesity: A surplus gone to waist.
Of all the people I have met, you are certainly one
Of all thirty-six alternatives, running away is best.
Of course I can cook, but I never do it on the first date
Often the test of courage is not to die but to live.
Oh that? It was playing leap frog with a unicorn.
Oh well, half of one, six dozen of the other.
Oh, pardon me, was that *your* culture? So sorry.
OK, I'm weird! But I'm saving up to become eccentric.
Old age is better than the alternative.
Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.
Old birds are hard to pluck.
Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
Once uttered, words run faster than the horses i bet on.
One crow will not peck out another crow's eyes.
One lie always leads to another.
One person's is another's .
One who is always in a stew generally goes to pot.
One who is in peril thinks with their legs.
Only hey can conquer who believe they can.
Only I can tell where my own shoe pinches me.
Only in your dreams are you really free.
Only the hand that erases can write the true thing.
Only the rich have distant relatives.
Only the stupidest calves chose their own butcher.
Originality is undetected plagiarism.
Ostrich: He often runs so fast he leaves himself behind.
Other times, other customs.
Our future is always uncertain our end is always too near
Outside noisy, inside empty.
Overestimation: Thinking that all your geese are swans.
Pants: Trousers' country cousins.
Parents: One of the hardships of a minor's life.
PCs are OK except when you use them as bowling balls.
Pedestrian: The most approachable chap in the world.
Penguin: The headwaiter of the Antarctic.
People are the only creatures with the power of laughter.
Philosophic enjoyment = mutual misunderstanding.
Philosophy: A route leading from nowhere to nothing.
Planned parenthood --- the impossible dream.
Please don't yell at me. I'm new at this.
Please! Do not break character!
Please! Take my word for it.
Poker Face: The face that launched a thousand chips.
Poker: It's darkest just before you've drawn.
Politics: Passing the buck or passing the doe.
Politics: The glad hand and the marble heart.
Postscript: The only thing of interest in some letters.
Power is an illusion; only stupidity is real.
Praise: What you receive when you are no longer alive.
Prejudice is the reason of fools. Voltaire.
Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue ...
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Prevention is better than cure.
Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them.
Prune: A plum that has seen better days.
Psychic Convention: If you know where and when, you're invited.
Psychoceramics: The study of crackpots.
Public opinion flourishes where there are no ideas.
Put off procrastinating till a later time.
Put on your seatbelt. I'm gonna try something new.
Quoth the Raven, "Eat My Shorts."
Radical: Anyone whose opinion differs from ours.
Rainforest: a scarcity of animals a plethora of tourists.
Raising your voice does not reinforce your argument.
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Reader not found, please notify tagline.
Reality.Sys corrupted -- Reboot Universe (Y/N)?
Reality: Only a concept and the home of the brave.
Rebellion to tyrants is obedience to God.
Religious people are wicked, how would they be without?
Remember, the end never justifies the meanness.
Remember...... Wherever you go, there you are.
Repartee: An insult with a suit and tie on.
Resort: A place where the tired grow more tired.
Restaurant: An eating place that does not sell drugs.
Retreat hell! We're just fighting in another direction.
Round numbers are always false.
Russian Express Card motto: Don't leave home!
Sailors curse the rain that farmers prayed for in vain.
Sandwich: An faulty attempt to make both ends meat.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Save trees, eat beavers.
Scrute the inscrutable; eff the ineffable.
Sculptor: A poor unfortunate who makes faces and busts.
Se non e vero, e molto ben trovato.
Security is a game but the final goal is never reached.
Seeing is believing, Touching is convincing..
Seek not to follow footsteps but what they sought.
Self-made man: A horrible example of unskilled labor.
Self-sacrifice: to sacrifice others without blushing.
Seriousness is the very next step to being dull.
Sex isn't the best nor the worst thing in the world.
Shakespeare was a man of note, who wrote so many things to quote.
Shame is an ornament to the young, a disgrace to the old.
Sharper than an asp's tooth to have a thankless child.
She devotes her spare time to neglecting duties.
She has been under more drunken sailors than a head.
SHIN - A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.
Silence is more eloquent at times than words.
Silver and gold make even pigs seem clean.
Simple rule: If you don't treat me right, shame on you.
Since GOD spelled backwards is DOG, is my poodle Satan?
Since life goes on - you might as well get on with it.
Sinner: A stupid person who gets found out.
Sir Lancelot gets a lot of chain mail...
Skeptics are seldom deceived.
So crowded in here, I must go outside to change my mind!
So dumb: Chewing the stick, not sucking the lollipop.
Society like air, is necessary but not complete for life.
Society prepares the crime; the criminal commits it.
Software independent: Won't work with ANY software.
Software, hardware, -- is that you talking Sigmund?
Solve the problems of the world: Vote anarchist.
Some are weather-wise, some are otherwise.
Some cures are worse than the disease.
Some men without a god are like fish without bicycles.
Some nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men
Some settling may have occurred in shipping.
Some thoughts are best guillotined before actions result.
Spring makes everything young again except humans.
Stick to your talent and the cows will be well tended.
Straight trees have crooked roots.
Strange but not a stranger...
Strength of mind: Person who can eat one salted peanut.
Stupid: Being unable to find your own butt in the dark.
Stupidity has no limits, genius does.
Stupidity is no excuse for not thinking.
Subway: A place so crowded even men can't all get seats.
Success is just a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
Surly to bed, and surly to rise.
Swell-head: Nature's frantic effort to fill a vacuum.
Synonym: A word you use when you can't spell the other.
Tabloid: A newspaper with a permanent crime wave.
Tact is knowing how far to go in going too far.
Tact is the intelligence of the heart.
Tact: Recalling a lady's birthday but forgetting her age.
Take egotism out, and you castrate the benefactors.
Take two crows and caw me in the morning
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
Talking is another disease of age.
Talking of bulls is not like being in the bull ring.
Teaching: Appearing to have known your subject forever.
Teamwork gives you someone else to blame.
That whole concept looks like a chicken in a windstorm.
That was a pointing device? My cat thought it was dinner.
That was then, this is now.
That's a smug aura of respectability you see in a mirror?
That's right, try hard to be good at the game of life.
The arrogance of age must submit to be taught by youth.
The best armor is to keep out of range.
The best blood at times gets into fools and mosquitoes.
The best defense against logic is stupidity.
The best doctor is the one you run for and can't find.
The best way out of a difficulty is through it.
The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
The bird of war is not the eagle but the stork.
The Caldecott Tunnel has less traffic than that vagina.
The cautious seldom err.
The child had every toy his father ever wanted.
The cinema is not a slice of life but a piece of cake.
The city is not a concrete jungle. It is a human zoo.
The consumer is not a moron, it is your spouse.
The course of true anything never does run smooth.
The Day of Judgement is approaching, or it is not.
The deeper the sorrow, the less tongue hath it.
The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
The Devil falls on account of his gravity.
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only heavier
The eventual supremacy of reason should be accepted.
The fewer our wants, the more we resemble the gods.
The first step towards philosophy is incredulity.
The fish in the sea are as good as the fish removed.
The footprint of the owner is the best manure.
The future is not what it used to be.
The greater the ignorance the greater the dogmatism.
The greatest cunning is to have none at all.
The greatest fault is to be conscious of none.
The highest bidder catches the most politicians.
The hole and the patch should be commensurate.
The living world is a continuum in each and every aspect.
The longer the title, the less important the job.
The mind grows by what it feeds upon.
The mouse with a single hole is quickly caught by the cat
The only argument with the wind is to put on a coat.
The only certainty is that nothing is certain.
The only heavy breathing I ever hear is after aerobics.
The only realities are the atoms and empty space.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it
The only way to judge the future is by knowing the past.
The only winner of the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
The past is not what it will be.
The pen is the tongue of the mind.
The proof is the phylogeny of plant-animal interactions.
The purification of politics is an iridescent dream.
The race from stupidity is to the driven, not the swift.
The ripest fruit falls first..
The shortest answer is doing.
The sun is never the worse for shining on a dunghill.
The thing most generally raised on land is taxes.
The tree of liberty is watered with the blood of tyrants.
The trodden path is the safest.
The trouble with a kitten is that, eventually it becomes a cat.
The truth doesn't hurt unless it ought to.
The truth is one thing that nobody will believe.
The wife of a careless man is almost a widow.
The wildest colts make the best steeds.
The wise learn more from fools than fools from the wise.
The woman cries before the wedding; the man afterward.
The world is a beautiful book, for those who can read it.
The world is coming to an end!
The world is like a cactus except the pricks are inside.
The world, as we know it, has come to an end!!
The World: A comedy for thinkers; a tragedy for feelers.
The worst hatred is that of relatives.
The worst thing about censorship is ----
The wrong way always seems the more reasonable.
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
Theater: Holding a mirror up to a keyhole.
There are no answers at best a few possibly good guesses.
there are three things that come next, uh four...
There is a skeleton in every old house.
There is no defense except stupidity against a new idea.
There is no such thing as bravery; only degrees of fear.
There's always 1 more SOB than you counted on
There's no skeletons in my closet!
They are slaves who fear to speak for the fallen & weak.
Think and you won't sink.
Think carefully before wishing, it might just come true.
Think hard now! Which one is Shinola?
Think much, speak little, and write less.
This door is baroque; please call Bach later.
This fellow's wise enough to play the fool.
This is a good day to let down old friends who need help.
This open hand of desire wants everything.
Those who can, Do. Those who can't, Criticize.
Those whom the gods love grow young.
Those without heads do not need hats.
Thousands of journeys have a start but no end.
Time goes? No. Alas time stays, we go.
Time is precious, but truth is more so.
Time is the dressmaker specializing in alterations.
Tips: Wages we pay other people's hired help.
To a dog his owner is Napoleon; hence their popularity.
To avoid seeing a fool, break your mirror.
To be a human without passion is to be dead.
To be too clever is to be stupid.
To climb a ladder, you begin with the first rung.
To do nothing is in every person's power.
To excel at what you do, you must love doing it.
To keep your milk sweet, leave it in the cow.
To know the road ahead, ask those coming back.
To live in the hearts we leave behind, is not to die.
To live now, first come to terms with your past.
To live well, know the difference between good and evil.
To the Caliph I am dirt, but to dirt, I am Caliph.
To the old cat, the tender mouse.
To tolerate everything is to teach nothing.
To understand other's miseries, look at their pleasures.
To whom should I go to for some self-help?
Today I have grown taller from walking with the trees.
Today is a day for making firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
Too many pages make a tome.
Too often justice is incidental to law and order.
Travel important today; IRS men arrive tomorrow.
Trust me, would I lie to you..... TWICE?
TV advertising is the rattling inside a swill bucket.
Two of perfect virtue: one dead, the other yet unborn.
Two writes don't make a novel!
Uh, yeah...I MEANT to do that!
Unless to thought is added will, Apollo is an imbecile.
Use your enemy's hand to catch a snake.
Used Car: Not what it is jacked up to be.
Usually insane; in lucid moments merely stupid.
Vulgarity: The conduct of others.
Wait! That's the FORBIDDEN dance!
Waiting to overcome all objections, results in nothing.
Wanna giggle? Try (EDITOR=EDLIN !) in anything.
WARNING... drinking tap water may kill your thirst!
We are all related...relatively speaking
We are in bondage to the law so that we may be free.
We ask advice but we mean approbation.
We have met the enemy, and he's all yours!
We have resumed control...we have resumed control...
We hired you to baby sit. You cooked and ate them BOTH?
We make our own fortunes and call them our fate.
We NEVER grow up, we just get older, and older, and ...
We're lost, but we're making good time.
We're off doing beta, the wonderful beta of oooz
Wear old clothes when you fight for truth and liberty.
Wedding: A funeral where you smell your own flowers.
Well begun is half done.
What a day may bring, a day may take away.
What are friends for? - R.M. Nixon
What fools these morals be!
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
What good does it do an ass to be called a lion?
What grammar is to speech, logic is to reason.
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
What is learned in youth is understood in age.
What is the True meaning of DOS?
What is the world to a man when his wife is a widow?
What results from using spot remover on your dog Spot?
What soberness conceals, drunkenness reveals.
What the heck just happened here?
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
What we have here is a failure to communicate.
What youth deemed crystal, age finds was dew.
Whatever is well conceived can be well expressed.
When all else is lost, the future still remains.
When all think alike, then no one is thinking.
When choosing between two evils, select the newer one.
When everyone thinks alike, then everyone is stupid.
When in doubt; Cheat !
When no wind blows, even the weather vane has character.
When puns are outlawed only outlaws will have puns
When the bad combine, the good must associate.
When uncertain, or in doubt, run in circles and scream.
When we are not sure, we are alive.
When we can't dream the time for death has arrived.
When you can't make it GOOD, make it BIG!
When you find anything that works, it usually fails.
When you go to the market, use your eyes, not your ears.
When you see a snake, never mind where he came from.
Whenever Possible, Put People On Hold
Where are those flashbacks they promised me?
Where do honey bees go potty? At a BP station, silly!
Where law ends, there tyranny begins.
Where there is a stink feces there is the odor of being.
Where there is no shame, there is no honor.
Where you've been means much less than where you're going
Where's there's smoke, there's toast.
Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.
Why are there so many gnarly limbs on my family tree?
Window-screen: An arrangement for keeping flies in.
Wisdom of many and the wit of a half.
Wit is the spice of conversation, not the food.
With consequences, the unexpected always predominate.
With foxes we must play the fox.
Without fingers you cannot even thumb your nose.
Without love and trust all you can be in life is alone.
Without my ignorance, your knowledge would be meaningless
Women and elephants never forget real or supposed injury.
Women take to good hearted men. Also from.
Women's clothes: Go to extremes, seldom to extremities.
Words and ideas are what change our world.
Words are not food, though sometimes we must eat them.
Words, words, words. And no place to put them all!
Worry is the interest paid on trouble in advance.
Yawn: The only time some men get to open their mouths.
Yeah, but what's the speed of DARK?
Yes-men: Fellows who hang around the man nobody noes.
Yield to temptation; It may not pass your way again.
You always swat where he's not, or if he is aha! a spot.
You aren't here forever, Enjoy each day as a miracle.
You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories.
You can't do that. It's been digitally cursed.
You can't step twice in the same piece of river.
You cannot be too careful in the choice of your enemies.
You learn as much by writing as you do by reading.
You may be Southern -- but you're no Comfort.
You must know much before you know how little you know.
You realize how short a month when you pay alimony.
Young gorillas are friendly, but they soon learn.
Youngsters remember anything if it happened or not.
Your sin, was it of omission, commission, or emission?
Your sweet words suck the morning dew off the honeysuckle
Youth + confidence + myopia = naivete.
Youthful figure: What you get when asking a woman's age.
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