Ladies and Gentlemen, if I could have your attention, please.
Hi! Im Toomey Starks and Ill be your bandleader tonight. Ill only take a few moments of your time and if everyone will follow my instructions carefully, no one will get hurt.
First of all, everyone just relax. Were all here to have a good time. But if youre not, youre in luck: we have a bar.
While youre enjoying your dinner, well play some soft background music and try to stay awake. If you have any difficulty hearing the others at your table, well, youll just have to talk louder, thats all.
Later on, when youve finished your dinner--and had a few drinks--well crank things up and our guitar player will set his hair on fire and jump into the audience. This is always a big hit wherever we play, but we wont be able to keep this up much longer. Im running out of matches.
We used to be able to play really loud, but last year our big sound system was stolen. Its now in the back of a 57 Chevy which goes through my neighborhood about two in the morning.
Well be happy to play any requests you might have. Unfortunately, due to new federal PC guidelines, we are not allowed to use sheet music that includes titles. Youll have to ask for your songs by number.
If anyone at your table is celebrating a birthday, anniversary, divorce or teenagers running away from home, be sure to let us know so we can humiliate them in front of everyone. You might want to write down any particularly juicy scandals on a napkin so I can read it over the microphone.
Later on, Ill introduce the rest of the band. Theyre all fine, experienced, professional musicians who happen to work really cheap.
Remember, youre listening to the Toomey Starks Band. We have plenty of cards, so please take one to remember us by. Take several and give them to your friends. Or, if youre not crazy about us, give them to someone you cant stand whose ugly daughter is finally getting married to some poor schmuck.
Enjoy your dinner, enjoy the music and whatever you do, drink up. The more you drink, the better well sound.